When do you know?

Do I believe in fate? No. What about serendipity? Kind of. Do I know when I have found the “one”? Totally not sure! There have been several times that I have pondered, “Could I actually marry them?” This question is nothing new to me. I have asked myself this same thing, several times over the course of my life. And I may be at the point, to contemplate its answer, yet again.

Not that I’m ready to completely divulge my current relationship just yet, but I do know he’s had “the conversation” with my parents already. So, what does that mean for me? Trust me, I was in slight shock for a couple days over the news. Mostly because, I didn’t know what to do with the information. I kept thinking, “Isn’t that what you do RIGHT BEFORE they are going propose?” Knowing full well, that him getting down on bended knee, isn’t going to happen with any immediacy. But I guess, I should be happy that I know where he stands, right?

Honestly, I can’t say with any certainty that I’m sure about this one. Don’t jump to any conclusions at this point, because I do have more to tell ! He is, the man I love, more so than any guy from my past. He has been more understanding, loving, and communicative (somewhat by circumstance) then I have ever met before. There is so more I could go into, concerning just how wonderful he is, but that’s not exactly what I’m focused on here. It’s the questions that I continue to have about the man I’m meant to be with, that has me perplexed. And I’m not to the extreme of the “dripping with love” Christmas movie I’m currently watching, in which the lead actress just uttered, “If he doesn’t notice me in the next 10 seconds, it’s not meant to be.”

I can tell you, that, I’m a rational person. Everything in a relationship isn’t going to be perfect, but the worst won’t happen either. That’s my realistic perspective. So, how am I to know if I have my “true love”? In the past, I’ve been looking for a “sign”. Talking to people who have married their “one”, they endlessly say, “you’ll just know”. They don’t even mention any signs. So, how does one know? I don’t want to mention that I felt it once, but I did! And that’s where my hesitations creep in. It was with this guy, and it was a long time ago. Yet, the feeling has not been forgotten.

Each individual has their own idea of love, and I am truly open to all of them. But, I do have reservations about some of them. Such as persons who say, “we have to get married in 90 days” because they are on a K-1 visa, or “you’ve be with them for x time, and I owe it to marry them”. Now with having children, brings on a whole different picture. And I do not want to discount those situations, since I don’t have that issue, so I’m not going to jump into what kinds of issues that might raises. Yet, I don’t want to discount my guidance to those who have kids, they still might gleam something from my quandaries.

To confirm the prior, these are not “rules” that I put on myself, and neither should you. Marriage should be saved for the feelings that tell you this love will last forever. Yet, I can’t possibly tell you what being ready for a lifetime actually feels or looks like.That is where I’ve routinely been completely lost. I apologize for throwing this in here, but it’s LFM channel movie , “…I feel, you’re checking off a to-do list, that’s not what love is. Love is inconvenient, it’s all encompassing, I want to feel that with someone and I want you to have it too.”

Continuing my story, it was a random weekend, late in the summer, my ex and I were heading south to a bike trail, taking my parent’s van with our bikes in the back. When it hit me, like a ton of bricks… I know that I could take the leap! I felt that he accepted and loved me unconditionally.  And despite this happening over a decade ago, I still know what I felt that day. Is it so hard to want to feel that again? I hate to say I haven’t felt it in my current relationship, but I’m still waiting for it. I have never had someone  who accepted, helped, and wanted me, as much as my current love does. And thought, I’m older and more knowledgeable about love. I’m still afraid that I’m hold myself in check, not letting those feelings/thoughts to come out.


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