Today started like any other, my fiancé called to wake me up, got cleaned up, dressed, packed my lunch, and hit the road to work. Not looking forward to the commute, mostly because it was raining and everything was backed up. What I didn’t know, is that last week’s discussions, yesterday’s thoughts, and last night’s dream, where too much for me. As I drove, less than 20mph, I just didn’t feel right. After a sneeze, a burp, breakfast came back up, while I was driving!
I managed to not crash or swerve, but I did make a mess all over my myself. My mind couldn’t function for the moment and I was fumbling to figure out what I should do. Anxiety was at an all time high! Not only am I planning our wedding, but I will also have to move 1,485 miles, and my job situations is completely up in the air. Ok, that’s on the big scale, and I’m trying to prioritize everything, as much as, possible. That includes, explaining to my fiancé that he needs to get the cake for our engagement party.
Which resulted in a myriad of questions, how big, where from, what flavor…. to that, I told him, “I don’t care.” And yes, I understand where his mind was at, he wants everything to be even more perfect than I do. Truly, he is a man and just wants me to have what I think is right. Unfortunately, I have started to realize that I can’t do it all, my brain is only so big. To have to think, worry, and plan each piece of all these changes, is more than I can or want to take on. So back to this morning.
It could have been the talk we had with our venue, getting the contract, and realizing it’s the biggest chunk of money so far. Or the frustration that our venue coordinator actually sent and email saying, “I just do not feel we will be a good fit for you moving forward.” Once we understood and accepted to fees, we got to talk to our coordinator, who was willing to help us with staying in budget. A budget that, I thought I was going to have to ask my parents’ to help fund. A discussion, I’m actually dreading to have, despite the fact that I have already forewarned my father is was coming.
As for yesterday, I contemplated not bringing my laptop home. I have forgotten it at work in the past, and every time, I’ve had to go back to get it for some reason. In this position, I decide to take my laptop home, even though I’d told myself, there’s no reason to. Alas, there was! No one wants to be around someone they think might be sick. And although, this was just stress and anxiety ridden, I had thrown up.
It was so unexpected and strange. I am rarely a person who feels overwhelmed, and I didn’t this morning either. Yet, my body and mind had completely other thoughts. There is a true braking point! And there was plenty of that this weekend, with indulging myself. Yet this was not Monday, but Tuesday morning. And for all those that even suggest that I might be pregnant, that is not possible!
So, I now have to understand where my limits are and respect them. Despite the fact that, I push so many of them every day. We all want to believe that we can do anything and everything. Yet, I am proof that I can’t do it all. And it’s ok to ask for help, something I’m not used to doing. Although, my man has been a wonderful support, sympathetic, and helpful through all of this. And we all need to find that person for us. I hope you do!