When is it my time?

I have been engaged for just over 4 months. And I have been more excited than ever before in my life, even my Grandmother can see it. The planning has been stressful, to say the least, but there has been one or two things that have broken my spirit. They are not bad thing, per se, just disappointments, really. And this may contradict some of my other writings. Because, for the first time in my life, I want it be all about me! Yes, for one time in my life, I just want it to be about me and my wedding.

I’m not a person, who seeks the lime light. In fact, just the opposite, I would rather be part of the crowd. I don’t like to be called out, whether it be praised or demeaned. In fact, that is the part of the wedding that I am actually dreading, the part where I have to stand up in front of everyone. Not because, I don’t want to express my love to my future husband, but, because I don’t like all the eyes on me. I’m hoping that when the time comes, I’ll be too into the moment to care. Just the thought of it, give me anxiety!

So here is what has happened in the last two weeks, two of my other cousins, who are ladies, have been proposed to. And I’m not happy about it. 😦 Not because I don’t want this for them, more so, because it’s my turn. Let me explain that…I have a lot of cousins, and I am number 4 in line. All 3 before me have gotten married and have kids. So, I should be next, right? I can only hope so. Right now, I’m hoping with all hope, that they don’t get married before me.

This is not just about the fact that I got engaged before them. It’s more about the dynamic of our family, I am the oldest granddaughter. And not just that, I will be the person getting married at the oldest age in my family, so I feel like it is my time. I have waited a long time for this to come in my life. These two have made the choice young in their lives, and I don’t blame them for wanting them to settle down with the men of their choice. Yet, I can’t imagine going through what I am 15 years ago.

Please know, there is no jealousy with the men we have all chosen. I could not wish for a better man for my fiancé. Yet, I feel deprived of the excitement around my nuptials, my wish was that it’s just my time. Alas we will all have to share it with each other. Not to get into too many details, my cousin line looks like this, 3 boys, 2 girls (one is me), 11 boys (in 18 years, and finally more girls), it was a special feeling that we were the only two for so long. Maybe some of that is coming back to me.

The more that I start to understand the reality about each of our situations, it helps to calm me down. They do not have the maturity, means, or the money that we have. There is no saying that their weddings won’t be beautiful, they just won’t have the wedding we will. And this has certainly been confirmed, simply because they don’t have the time to plan as much as we will, either. It is hard to handle when I am a so distant from them, not just by the miles, but the age too.

There is something to be said about marring at a young age. I believe that it gives the couple a chance to grow together. They have a lot of life to get through and challenges to face, that can truly bring them closer. I have to face the reality, I have live a carefree life, independent, and taking care of only myself. This has me questioning whether or not, I can make a marriage with my fiancé work. But it doesn’t take age to make a relationship work, it takes patience and understanding. And at the end of day, I hope that for them and myself.

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